Trouble in a marriage does not always come from out of nowhere. For some, trouble can always exist, even before a couple says “I do.” It can exist in the way they interact, in the way they think of one another, and even in the way they feel about one another.
You would hope that before someone goes through with a marriage, they have properly assessed whether or not they love the other person, but that is not always the case. Even worse, it can make you want the person who just is not that into you, all the more.
A study published in the academic journal, Computers in Human Behavior, examined if uncertainty about a partner’s romantic interest can increase their sexual desirability, or if it decreases it.
Six sample groups engaged in different aspects of the study, focusing on communication and how interest can be uncertain, given the individual differences and the medium of communication.
The study revealed that relationship uncertainty had detrimental effects on appeal, only when participants were perceived as not being interested in the other party. Explicit expressions of romantic interest fostered certainty about the participants’ behavioral intentions, enhancing the appeal of the other party.
The results of those findings were replicated in established relationships, showing that partners’ regard predicted lower uncertainty. This was associated with greater perceived partner desirability and suggests that inhibiting desire serves as a mechanism aimed at protecting one’s self from investing in a relationship with an uncertain future.
Noticing the signs
This may help explain why you may have been attracted to someone not fully into you in the first place Some who project a sense of being uncertain about the future of the relationship can find themselves going through the motions and still making commitments, even with this sense of flightiness about them. They still may say “I do” and invest in a life with you without emotionally committing to the relationship to the same extent that you might be.
You may not notice it right away. They may be saying or doing all of the right things. They may be forming a life with you, working at their own job and adding a second income to the household. They may continue to be kind and generous to you, but not necessarily in the honest way that a spouse needs to be.
Facing hard truths
In order to fully grasp the difficulty in this hollow marriage you may be facing, you need to be honest with yourself. You need to compare and contrast the emotional vulnerability that you display to your spouse, to the emotional vulnerability that they display to you. You need to be able to ask yourself hard questions about your relationship.
Does it seem that your spouse is into you? Do they show it to you? Do they show it in front of others? Are they into you as much as you are into them? Do they seem committed to your marriage? Do you feel that they see your marriage as permanent?
After you have figured out the core, fundamental questions that plague your marriage and your relationship with your spouse, you may need to decide where to go from there. You know that you deserve someone in your life who is fully committed to you and the relationship that you have with them, but in order to find that someone, you have to enter the divorce process with your spouse.
Contact your attorney
That means contacting a family law attorney equipped to represent you and your needs during this challenging and emotionally-draining time in your life. That means looking beyond the here and now and focusing on your future.
Speaking hard truths and moving on
After the hard conversations have begun, you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse are forced to confront the truth. This could end up being an argument that results in lasting emotional volatility beyond the end of the discussion. This could be a calm conversation, where hard truths are confronted and both you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse walk away on amicable terms. It simply depends on the individuals involved and the way you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse communicate with one another.
After the divorce is finalized, you may feel like you are now back to square one; that being in a relationship that was not emotionally honest was better than not being in any relationship at all. But it is not.
The truth of the matter is that the emotional honesty involved in having a partner in your life that is as into you as you are to them is too vital to ignore. You need that type of intimacy, in order to make your relationship and hopefully, marriage, sustainable.
Divorce is the ending of an unhappy and dysfunctional marriage, and a marriage cannot function, nor make you happy, without the emotional honesty of reciprocated levels of feelings. Moving forward, it is important to make time for those who make time for you and put forth the effort for those who do the same. Creating that level of accountability among potential romantic partners may limit options, but it will prevent you from entering into another emotionally dishonest commitment.
Dan Pearce is an Online Editor for Lexicon, focusing on subjects related to the legal services of customers, Cordell & Cordell and Cordell Planning Partners. He has written countless pieces on MensDivorce.com, detailing the plight of men and fathers going through the divorce experience, as well as the issues seniors and their families experience throughout the estate planning journey on ElderCareLaw.com. Mr. Pearce has managed websites and helped create content, such as the Men’s Divorce Newsletter and the YouTube series, “Men’s Divorce Countdown.” He also has been a contributor on both the Men’s Divorce Podcast and ElderTalk with TuckerAllen.
Mr. Pearce assisted in fostering a Cordell Planning Partners practice area specific for Veterans, as they deal with the intricacies of their benefits while planning for the future. He also helped create the Cordell Planning Partners Resource Guide and the Cordell Planning Partners Guide to Alternative Residence Options, specific for seniors with questions regarding their needs and living arrangements.