Life can create chaos that needs addressing. We, as individuals, often are asked to address multiple situations at the same time, in order to accomplish several tasks all at once. Whether it is in our professional lives or personal lives, it is a necessary part of functioning on a daily basis.

Because of how necessary multitasking is in our lives, it makes us pay more attention to the relationships that we form.

Attention paid before divorce

Before a divorce is even on the horizon, many feel that the busyness of everyday life can put a strain on the marriage. If one or more of the individuals in the marriage are not paying enough attention to it and their overall relationship, it lends itself to miscommunication, misinformation, assumptions, and conflict.

Depending on the genders involved, much of the research varies. According to Psychology Today, women report that husbands have lost interest in how they feel, are unable to maintain an intimate relationship, have become distant and preoccupied with work, and fail to provide the soul-depth companionship that is being craved. Husbands report that wives have become preoccupied with the children and have been distracted by the balance of maintaining a home and a career.
Many can find themselves forgetting why they got together in the first place, and they begin to think of themselves as individuals with busy lives and other obligations that need attention.

The growing chasm that divided attentions can create can cause it to feel like you both are living completely separate lives, so when the marriage begins to break down, it feels like the first honest conversation in a long time about what is truly occurring in the relationship.

Attention paid during divorce

Because of how trust dissolves at the end of a relationship, it becomes even more important that you, as a divorcing individual, shift your attention from your daily life to the divorce proceedings, so that you do not lose important aspects of your future, like major assets, large amounts of your finances, and a favorable custody outcome.

For many, it is interesting to examine how attention-shifting only occurs in the context of protecting what you feel is yours, rather than in the context of the existing relationship. However, it is important to remember that the relationship has most likely already suffered large amounts of conflict and distrust, making any attention-shifting after the fact to be empty gestures coming late in the game for the opposite spouse.

Children of divorce

For parents undergoing divorce, this can be extra difficult, especially if their day-to-day already has been dividing their attention. This can leave the children feeling like they had already lost their parents, before divorce was even on the table.

When parents have an intense job that takes them away from their children for long periods of time, children can already feel neglected, and even when a parent is home, many parents can feel burnt out after a long day of work, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics’ blog, Healthy Children. Many parents forget to set aside time each day for their children, and without that attention, they can begin to experience emotional distress.

The level of separation anxiety that they already may have had becomes heightened during a divorce, leaving the parent that does not receive primary custody at risk for parental alienation. With both parents already pretty distant within the emotional perspective of the child, the one who sees them the most is going to have less distance than the one who did not become the custodial parent.

Fighting that level of alienation requires devoting your attention to your child. The ‘Disneyland Dad’ strategy will only come off as empty, so grand gestures are not the way to go. Showing your child that you can be attentive during the time you get to spend with them will prove to them that you are not going anywhere in their lives, regardless of the divorce.

Mindful focus

In a society that pays so much attention to what can be found on a screen, we, as individuals, can sometimes find it more difficult to connect in person. As much as technology has given us the ability to socialize with one another and cultivate a constant line of communication, the practice of showing someone that you can be an active presence in their lives requires showing up.

Whether it is paying attention to the nitty gritty when a lawyer or a judge is detailing aspects of a division of assets or being present when you are spending time with your child during your given parenting time, you need to display the presence of mind to avoid distractions and show that you are focused on being more mindful in your relationships moving forward.