"Striving to silence the noise through recreating who you used to be is not true to who you are now, and thus doesn’t service that individual."
When a marriage comes to an end, it’s rarely simple. There are assets to divide, new homes to create, legal aspects to sort through, so much more. It creates a lot of necessary noise within one’s life, and unhealthy anxiety can surface, forcing the peace of one’s mind to be buried underneath the noise of divorce.
The sense of loss suffered from the end of a marriage can be traumatic; equally as traumatic as losing half of your assets in a knockout, drag-out fight in court. And if children are involved, their lives are being torn in two, with you, as their parent, left to either comfort them over the loss of a parent in their familial home or left to follow a child custody agreement schedule and the right to first refusal clause that you managed to include in the accord.
All of this is enough for stress and anxiety to manifest itself, creating a need to shut down for a while and focus on one’s self, and for someone in that situation, it is important to do so. Taking time to mourn is one of the first steps in helping yourself move on after a divorce, according to Psychology Today.
One aspect of that is seeking support, whether that is a therapist, support group, friends, or family. You should not be alone to listen to the chaotic noise of the situation. Speaking with others helps quiet the sound.
Of course, this does not negate the noise that erupts when you leave the parking lot of the therapist’s office and your ex-spouse is calling, bringing the noise back once again. This also can occur when people who are simply looking to help you and support you through this difficult situation.
Whether it your lawyer, your parents, your friends, your relatives, or just your landlord wondering why only half of the rent was paid, the stress from this experience is not something that is going to end right away, and there is no quick fix. As difficult as it may be, admitting that concept can be an early step in creating a new normal.
Admittance and acceptance
A marriage happened. As much as you may dislike you ex-spouse and as much as you may struggle with the experience, there’s no changing that fact. While it may seem like a good idea to strive for the romantic idea of recreating your single life before your marriage, the noise of marriage and divorce will inevitably arise, causing all of the feelings, good and bad, to surface.
Marriage can often create different people, and that shouldn’t be a bad thing, as a divorced individual looks to build a new life for themselves. Striving to silence the noise through recreating who you used to be is not true to who you are now, and thus doesn’t service that individual.
Contrary to the doom and gloom that the experience of divorce may cause, the noise of the situation will become more manageable as time passes. According to The Huffington Post, there may be rough days now and again, but they won’t become your normal outlook for long. You need to move on for yourself, and if it isn’t for yourself, then for your children, if you have them.
They need a parent that can engage with their excitement and energy and create the memories of their childhood that they deserve. They need the stability of a parent whose outlook isn’t cluttered by the noise of a messy divorce.
The benefits of time
Day by day, the noise of the experience will become more controllable, until the dull roar of divorce will be superseded by the acceptance of reality. The noise will no longer be as crippling, and by that point, hopefully, your life will be filled with other things to focus on.
While it’s important to understand the emotions of the situation, you cannot let them leave you defenseless and vulnerable at all times. Before, during, and after a divorce, too much is at stake to be immersed in the noise at all times.
In addition, what you fight for during a divorce is not all you will ever have. With so much being divided or coming to an end, there comes a point where creating something new in your life could be the distraction you need to drown out the sound.
Even if you can’t create something new right away, whether that be a new hobby that takes up your time, a new friendship to create a new normal, or even a new relationship, it’s important to remember that while the noise of divorce is a process to work through, it is one that will give way to a stronger and more mature individual, that will can take whatever noise is left.
Dan Pearce is an Online Editor for Lexicon, focusing on subjects related to the legal services of customers, Cordell & Cordell and Cordell Planning Partners. He has written countless pieces on MensDivorce.com, detailing the plight of men and fathers going through the divorce experience, as well as the issues seniors and their families experience throughout the estate planning journey on ElderCareLaw.com. Mr. Pearce has managed websites and helped create content, such as the Men’s Divorce Newsletter and the YouTube series, “Men’s Divorce Countdown.” He also has been a contributor on both the Men’s Divorce Podcast and ElderTalk with TuckerAllen.
Mr. Pearce assisted in fostering a Cordell Planning Partners practice area specific for Veterans, as they deal with the intricacies of their benefits while planning for the future. He also helped create the Cordell Planning Partners Resource Guide and the Cordell Planning Partners Guide to Alternative Residence Options, specific for seniors with questions regarding their needs and living arrangements.